'I think I might be gay' 6th Dec 2012
So, the Christmas parties have kicked off and im already in dire need of a detox. Getting through December is like (I guess ) climbing a rather large mountain, like Everest, which thanks to an episode of family guy I now know is in between Tibet and Nepal and nowhere near Scotland. You need to be totally prepared physically and mentally and have a complete plan of action
Saturday it was ‘The Let’s Get Cunted Crew’s’ Christmas piss up. After a crimbo brunch with my lil’ sis (and a bottle of bubbly) we headed to the pub about 3pm to be met by the crew at the traditional ‘naughty table’ which they had decorated with the most beautiful decorations including a christmas tree, all from poundland. For reasons that I can not explain we started straight on the shots and as you can imagine the afternoon was rather hazy. The only lasting memory I have is eating someone’s 20 pound note then waking up on my sofa at 3am fully clothed including shoes (hoorah!) I went to my bed feeling guilty and not knowing why, until my mate ‘wanky’ rang me on Sunday morning at 9am to remind me of my antics….My good friend Adrian turned up whom I hadn’t seen since his civil ceremony about 5 years ago. Apparently I got a bit too excited to see him and decided to sit on his lap and snog the face off him. When wanky was telling me this, I thought he just meant a silly kiss and he was like erm no, it was all night, you had his head in ya mouth at one stage. WTF?? does this mean I’m gay? his gay so am I gay? I’m feeling rather confused at the moment, this
must be how Elton John felt when he was married. Poor Adrian. I think he found the funny side. Although I did get a text from him Monday morning asking for the number to the local police station as he would like to report a rape
After feeling guilty and rapey for most of the day I spoke to a very dear friend of mine ‘The Beast’ who said to me ‘don’t worry babe, there’s people out there more mental then us’ that should have made me feel better about myself, however, I was reminded of when I first met the beast. We were at a party and I asked him for a light for my fag. He took my fag, put it in his mouth and shoved his head in the microwave to try and light it. He then bellowed ‘IM GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU’
It was like watching the incredible hulk but instead of muscles protruding it was more like perverted bulges (God love him)
My first bit of Christmas advice?
if a gay man doesn’t like your Christmas tree then your buggerd. I sent Joey a picture of my new tree and he replied ‘i’m gonna be sick’
p.s Adrian’s pregnant :-(
'You can never have enough minge' Nov 2012
So after 6 months of eating doughnuts and shit (not actual shit but fuck knows what that was in the staff canteen last week) I decided to go back to the gym. I enjoyed the class but what I didn’t enjoy was my changing room experience. I’ve never seen so many wobbly Fanny’s in one place before. I mean, I know it’s a changing room but Jesus, put it away luv. Seriously I know everyone has the same bits but I don’t want someone’s hairy Mary shoved in my face, especially after my work out, I felt sick already. Then to add insult to injury I sprayed my deodorant a bit to much (apparently) and the women next to me started coughing , chocking and tutting, as I turned round to give her a dirty look I couldn’t believe what was in front of my eyes, an extremely elderly granny stark bollock naked giving me evils, she then extremely wobbled off to the showers dragging her bath towel behind her. I’m not sure if I felt violated or butch
Since being told I have to wear glasses all the time, I’ve been noticing EVERYTHING.
I keep giving people the eye without realising until they look at me and then I look at them and then I get paranoid thinking why are they looking at me
so here’s hoping I don’t wake up next to someone I shouldn’t as I can now see. well actually after 5 Sambuccas I’m deaf dumb and blind so there’s no hope
'butterflies & coffee' Monday 23rd September 2012
I attended my creative writing class on Saturday and am very pleased I did. Not just for the knowledge and confidence I gained from this 7 hour workshop but also from the experience of meeting ‘others’ who are interested in the same thing as me (which doesn’t include cocks and whiskey) We were asked to write the meaning of our name, I obviously had delight in explaining the birth of ‘Dave’ which the tutor seemed to enjoy, She especially liked the line ‘I’m a gay man screaming inside a women’s body’ We were then asked to write a poem to do with fear. This could be a personal experience or just what ‘fear’ means to the individual. As the group went round one by one reading out their poem, the atmosphere changed slightly as you could actually feel for the person reading it, some of it was rather deep. I added a bit of humour to mine, and the class laughed, which seemed to lighten the room up a bit. Well that was until the next one…….”Fear is…my husband throwing his body on top of me, Fear is standing in a line knowing your the next one who is going to get smacked” Well tickle me tits till Tuesday,I wasn’t expecting that. Then I got confused, was I really in a creative writing class or was I in a support therapy session. Either way, my mind was worked on that day.
After the session I headed to a bar for a quick drink for Frenchie’s birthday, after 4 double jack and cokes it was time to leave,I was already late for my friends 7 year old daughter’s birthday party. I felt in a rather happy mood on my train journey, i had my usual head interview with Alan Carr which only happens when I’m slightly merry or just in a jolly mood but this time I came down his stairs, we greeted each other with a kiss and then we did a dance routine to ‘Bad Ass’ by Micky Finn & Aphrodite. As we were skipping over to his sofa I suddenly came ‘back in the room’ and realised I was PISSED
I arrived at said little girls birthday party, which by this time it had gone into the adults evening. However, there weren’t many people there and everyone was sitting down talking. ‘Ive got to lighten this up, I’m drunk’ said the mature responsible voice in my head, when i spotted a Buzz Lightyear costume left unattended that belonged to the birthday girls little brother. ‘Right I’m putting this on and I’m going to surprise everyone, this will sort the mood out” said the same voice in my head. So I went and hid and put the costume on. When I say on, the trousers only came passed my knees. So, as Buzz, I ran in to the room screaming ‘to infinity and beyond!!!” Do you, not one fucker laughed. They all looked and carried on talking. I slowly walked away, my cape dragging behind me (it came off mid flight) and I nicked a fag off someone. Cigarette and Whiskey in my hands half dressed as Buzz fucking Lightyear. It could have been worse. I could have been Mr Potato head.
'Grandpa I'm licking a plum' Monday 17th September 2012
so…… French lesson….. it would have been okay if Florence spoke some English but oh no, she refuses to and will only speak in French and when you ask her to explain something she explains it in French. I didn’t have a clue what was going on. I didn’t really have a clue what was going on in general if I’m perfectly honest. I started to drift off and think about Christmas and socks when all of a sudden I came back around as Florence was screaming at me ‘tu ta pelle? tu ta pelle?” I thought what the fuck is she saying? something about jingle bells? I just said ‘non’ fuck knows what I was saying no to but at least I learnt the word ‘no’
I came out of the class with a headache and needing a beer. I am glad I went, I only want to learn the basics and anyway I get to spend some time laughing at Joey who didn’t bring a fluffy pen and thankfully didn’t wear his short shorts
Even though I had flash backs of my form class giving our French teacher a nervous break down I enjoyed being back in the classroom so I’m attending a one day workshop on Saturday ‘A Taste Of Creative Writing’ I wonder what joys and special people that will bring…..
so the summer is over and the coldness has approached us. it’s always this time of year when I would like a fella, not for a relationship but just to keep me warm and make me cups of tea. I obviously have too much love to give. either that or a raging hard on
'Nonce nonce, knickers on ya bonce' Saturday 15th September 2012
I’ve been having some strange dreams lately and they are freaking me out to be honest.
Take last night for example. Prince Harry was smacking me around the face with a very large snake and was trying to kill me. I woke up heavy breathing, sweating and scared shitless. I think I need to stop watching the crime scene and investigation channel before going to bed. Especially as I woke up strangling myself not so long ago.
To another extreme though, a few weeks back I dreamt I was with Snoop Dogg, he had just won 11 grand on the lottery so I took him to the supermarket to collect his winnings, he was so happy he went to the toilet on me. I didn’t even bother looking into the meaning of that one.
I’ve just come back from a lovely relaxing weekend in France. I have totally fallen in love with the country and their chickens and can’t wait to go back. I’m starting French lessons with Joey next week. I’m a bit nervous, not because I can’t speak French but because Joey wants to wear a school girl uniform and write with a fluffy pen.
We had great weather all weekend so had the chance to laze about next to our swimming pool and even go for a bike ride. Yes, a bike ride. I hadn’t rode a bike since the 1980’s, in fact, I have never owned a bike. I had one of those push along scooters which the local pikey nicked and tried to blame my granny.
Needless to say I was scared, I nearly went down a ditch more then once, cars were beeping at me, Frenchie kept telling me to stay on the right when I was already on the right and Joey kept pressing his fecking bell (the only gay in the countryside) I finally made it back in one piece, got off the bike and couldn’t feel my legs, I just wanted to vomit so had to lay down for half an hour.
I met Frenchie’s friend Alexandra, whom I know will become my ‘French Partner in Crime’ unfortunately she had her friend with her who was rude, thought she was really funny and amazing and all I kept thinking was, ”darling, you have one big camel toe, so shut the fuck up” girls can be funny sometimes can’t they…
So after my lovely relaxing break I come home to find my ex boyfriend on the front page of our local newspaper for exposing himself to school girls. I always knew one of my ex’s would be in the news but I always thought serial killer not nonce
So the Olympics are done and dusted but have made us extremely proud to belong to Great Britain. What did I learn from the Olympics? When a down syndrome girl is trying to give you a hug, she is not trying to steal your handbag
Traffic cones & tea pots Monday 30th July 2012
Well what an emotional weekend!
the olympic opening ceromony was amazing and to think all that happend in Stratford is unbelievable especially as the last time I was there I got chased down the road by a tramp for a cigarette.
Saturday was even more special as it was my mum and dads 40th wedding anniversary. mad ain’t it. we had a party at my uncles and drank until the cows came home.
As my mum and dad arrived we were all waiting behind a wall with our party poppers when I heard Joey saying to his partner Frenchie ‘this is how you do it’ as I turned round Joey had the popper up his nose and was snorting it. we still can’t find the popper. great party though!
it was a lovely sunny day, I played football with my cousins which I was obviously shit at and just kept falling on the floor which they found hysterical. My aunt shared a lovely moving story with us. when she was a kid she had a pet mouse, one day she decided this mouse needed a bath. after washing it she dried it with a hair dryer and it’s ears fell off.
After the party I went back to joeys for a nightcap which lasted until 330am… we were all sitting at the table chatting when Frenchie got up and out of no where started plaiting my hair. he didn’t stop plaiting until I resembled queen fucking Latifa. I have no idea why this happened and I have no idea where he magically got a big bag of multicoloured elastic bands.
we got up nice and early as we were visiting the Olympic park. obviously I forgot about my dread locks and thought my hair had fallen out in my sleep. I took the plaits out and by the time we got to Stratford I looked like I put my finger in an electric socket. I kinda like it that big, think Frenchie has started something, he should be my stylist!
Olympic park was great, can’t believe how big it is. the only down side was the look of the athletics village, the buildings are so dull and boring. Reminded me of my ex boyfriend who use to get drunk on a bottle of lambrini then listen to birds tweeting on you tube. SNORE!
After the park we went to a near by pub and it was rammed with a proper good atmosphere. everyone was on a high and were really pissed. we spotted a stereotypical Essex boy, loafers with shorts, slick hair to the side and the only fucker in the pub dancing. Apparently he accidentally pissed on someone’s shoes and trousers in the gents and got his cock out screaming ‘I’ve only got two inches, I’ve only got two inches’ according to my friend it was bigger then two inches but ‘a bit too trimmed for my liking’
Back home I had a bit of a ‘porn’ experience. I was ‘working’ on my laptop when a video ‘popped’ up on my screen. I thought I would have a look, I mean what’s the harm in watching a bit of filth? it was a man and women in bed and they were getting down to it when the bloke reached over next to the bed and picked up a fucking traffic cone. I couldn’t watch anymore, I mean where the fuck was he going to put it without emotional tears happening??? I decided to watch the next video and it was a girl on her own having a good ol’ flick then out of no where she starts to sit on a fucking tea pot. what the fuck has this world come to? I’m now too scared to learn to drive and I’ve gone off me daily cuppa.
so, another week of work, as they say ‘another day, another dollar’ as I say ‘fuck off members of the public and roll on Friday beer time’
'Elton John's got healing hands' Monday 23rd July 2012
monday 23rd July
'wow can't believe the Olympics start this Friday- in Stratford, it's amazing and I'm really looking forward to it. what I'm not looking forward to is tourists not standing on the right hand side of the escalators - this is extremely freaking me out. they should have an Olympic game based on how to use the underground. I've just witnessed an old fella trying to put his change into the ticket barrier instead of a ticket, god love him but jeeeez come on!
I had the pleasure of celebrating the birth of my friends baby at the weekend by attending a house party. reading my blog you may think - for some strange reason- that i like a drink. trust me, I love my chilled out weekends but at the moment there is so much going on I haven’t got time to bless myself.
The party was great, we had good weather, kerry katona prawn ring and I had a bottle of JD to myself which maybe I should of opened when the kids were put to bed. after a few glasses I thought it was my turn on the bouncy castle and no one was going to tell me any different. I had a great time bouncing away until someone told me they could see my ‘hanging ham’ obviously I was intrigued to find out what this was so after giving up trying to find my shoes I queried this ‘hanging ham’ and to be frank I wish I fucking didn’t.
Apparently when men get old it all goes inwards, well for women it all hangs loose. I prefer ‘saloon doors’ i would rather my neither regions look like the front of a pub then a slaughter house.
Later on in the evening I noticed a girl kept staring at me, I didn’t know what her problem was, she probably didn’t have one (maybe she wanted to swing on my ham) but in my drunken state I thought she was taking the piss. I heard her ask my friend for a cheese sandwich and when she wasn’t looking I flicked my fag ash between the newly buttered pieces of bread. sad I know and totally out of ords but at the time I felt rather fucking pleased with myself.
the next morning I woke up with two left shoes, I still can’t find my right one. I even asked Justin bieber if he has seen it, he hasn’t replied. lesbian.
if you don’t know your left from your right don’t leave the fucking house
'Madonna's got big balls' Friday 20th July 2012
So her royal madgeness played at Hyde Park on Tuesday. I wasn’t overly impressed. it was a shit venue, the sound wasn’t great and it’s so flat that unless you’re in the golden triangle you can’t see fuck all. what I did see though was a few monks pulling the church bells and then was that holy water being swung at the front of the stage? I hope it wasn’t but it pissed me off, not for being disrespectful but mainly because I didn’t understand why she did it. then she did vogue and all was forgiven until it was all repeated at the end! weird! I do honestly think you have to be a big Madonna fan to go to her gigs, I do like her but don’t really like her new album. I honestly went to SEE her show and watch her dance, she is a great performer and I’m gutted I didn’t see any of it. the atmosphere was dire and no one was dancing apart from me and my sister and I got tutted at for singing along to vogue (admittedly though I had a few beers by then so probably thought I was actually Madonna) the women has got a body that you would completely die for, she looks fucking amazing but still, I paid nearly 100 quid to see a 53 year old women get her right arse cheek out!
at least I got to spend some time with my little skin and blister.
Last night I took my two friends to see ‘Superstar’ with Andrew Lloyd Webber. we were too late and they wouldn’t let anyone else in. thank fuck for that! none of them can sing and Amanda Holden looks like she has pulled her support pants completely over her face and head. I only wanted to see Jason Donavan, I cried for a month when jimmy saville didn’t reply to my letter asking to sing with Jason on stage. you didn’t fix that for me Jim but you turned a boy into a fucking suitcase and even had the audacity to put him on the carasol at the airport! God bless you and your cigars.
I would have also liked to have given Dawn French a quick cheeky motor boat - well it’s rude not to with bazookas like hers!
it’s Friday again and no doubt a weekend of fun and frolics so I bid you well my dear readers and I shall be speaking to you on Monday
by the way, I think someone told me that Danny Boyle will have sheep shagging each other at the opening ceremony next Friday - don’t quote me on it
'Bob Geldof doesn't like Mondays' Monday 9th July 2012
How the fuck is it Monday already??!!!
I’m in pain, I ache all over and readers I must apologise for the massive lie I told you on Friday. of course I had a drink at the weekend and yes it was a very messy one. I think I’m on my 3rd day hangover YUCK!
my sister, her fella and some mates came round Friday for a ‘few’ and I think I went to bed about 6am. I then had to get up at 9 for a 4 year olds birthday party which to put it frankly was not fucking easy. I love this little girl so much there was no way on Gods earth i was going to miss it. However, I turned up late and everytime a child spoke to me I just wanted to be sick on their little heads so I thought it be best to hide in the kitchen and eat chicken nuggets. I was then screamed at by the birthday girls mum for not helping to clean up and that ‘my cards are marked’ all I kept thinking was get away from my face before I vomit in yours.
I let two of my mates stay at the flat while I was gone. when I got back there was a major problem. the toilet was blocked. Keith whom I only met the night before, being the gentleman that he is said ‘leave this with me’ he went in and closed the door. Could this hangover get any worse I thought to myself? then Keith returned not looking very well himself and with a sentence that will never leave my poor small mind ‘I won’t tell you what I had to do but I think I squeezed someone’s poo’
While he said that I turned round to empty reach and noticed my other mate was on the sofa snorting a bashed up polo.
have a great week, see you Friday
'i went out with a bloke with one leg once, crazy legs' Monday 16th July 2012
I must apologies for not blogging on Friday, I was on my two day hangover and trust me it wasnt pretty. Im sure one of my cats spoke to me and I definitley see the image of Jesus Christ on my bedroom wall.
it’s been a week of drunkness and hangovers which quite frankly I’m not happy about. Mainly because it’s Monday morning and I’m allergic to the general public and also I wish for just one evening for my dignity to stay intact.
'Wicked Wednesday' proved why we call it 'Wicked Wednesday'. After quite a few pints of cocktails and god knows how many sambucca shots we decided it was time to go home but all ended up going to our friends in Bethanl Green. I, by the way, blacked out a long time before this. Joey said he looked at me and I just threw myself on the floor and laid there foaming at the mouth, my friend tried to pick me up but he fell and landed on my face. I then woke up next to Joey and had to the 'walk of shame' through Stratford but ya know ya gotta do ya bit for the Olympics aint ya (wink, wink)
Thank god I had Thursday and Friday off work so I could wallow in my own self pity and alcohol sweats. WTF is that all about? two day hangover? is it my age? is it the amount of booze I had? whatever it was I was not best pleased. maybe, just maybe I need to calm down abit but to be honest I can’t cope with reality at the best of times and to have a good drink at the weekend helps to forget week days. so, reality, you can fuck off and take Monday mornings with you.
my cousin came round Saturday for a nice family night in with a litre bottle of jack Daniels so you can imagine it got messy. I didn’t realise how bad it was until we ran out of fags and rizla so we used a till reciept to make a roll up. anyone else done that? no? just us then. I went to the offy at 6am Sunday morning to get real cigarettes and the shop owner said ‘no alcohol until 7am’ and I realised I was looking at the cans of beer in the fridge SKANK!!!!!!
had a dream that I got stopped at JFK airport customs trying to sneak in a bottle of febreeze, think its a sign that I need to clean my flat or my mind or more likely both.
so it’s Monday, beginning of another week of office work, people moaning that they haven’t got a mouse mat or there are no cups left in the cupboard, tourists standing on the left hand side of the escalator, dirty smelly rude ‘people’ on a packed train puttin their make up on, but to cheer me up I’m seeing Madonna on Tuesday, wonder what part of her anatomy she will show London? probably her cock
Have a good week, be lucky